A note to self: It is okay.

October 18, 2017

Dear Purple Kimono,

I am back here, feeling lonely somehow. Something inside me unexplained. Haven’t I told you that I am in a relationship now? But.. a long distance relationship. A kind of relationship that I have never think of before. Not even in my dream. But somehow it happens.

This is my first and hopefully my last relationship as well. We first met on my sister’s wedding 4 years back and got into contact again last year. I don’t know why I often feel insecure; when he suddenly change his texting frequency, not informing his location or his activity. I will keep reminding myself that “It is okay”. Do not overthink. Is this what they say insecurity or is this loneliness? Deep inside my heart, I know he is a good man. Does he really really love me? Do I really really love him? I admit I do care for him otherwise I will not feel insecure right? And maybe what I scared the most is that I may just love him more than I love myself or more than his love to me. I really hope that we can be truly care for each other more than we care for anyone else. I don’t know why I just keep feeling insecure and would expect everything more from him, like spending more time calling me than meeting with his colleagues or friends, showing his affection more by action than words, caring for myself more than he care for anyone else. I am not being rational here, am I?

I know we still have a long way to go and no matter whay may happens, Β hopefully we can walk through them together and bring us closer and understand each other better. There are times that I really want to spend time together with him or see couple laughing and talking to each other will make this distance seems far. But we satisfy ourselves just by talking over the phone, texting and video calling. And keep reminding myself that “It is okay”.

I am really grateful for him making his decision to make the first step and effort to know me and make this relationship possible. I am really grateful for him staying by my side these few months and through my hardest time together. I am really grateful for him to be able to speak my unspoken mind, I have not told him before that sometimes he says and does what my mind says and think. I am grateful for all these.

– May our care, respect and thoughts for each other brings us closer and through the rest of our lives. –

With Love πŸ’•πŸ’•,

Bii Mee

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Be strong, keep stronger!

October 14, 2017

Dear Purple Kimono, how are you? It has been quite some time since I write right. There were quite a lot of things Β happened recently. A lot that they may shaped and changed my direction of life. And here I am, coming back missing you and writing to you again feeling uncertain.

Recently, my friend told me that I have a strong character. Well, what she doesnt know is that a strong character is what I have planted in my mind and my soul all this time. Glad that I can show a strong character to other people, hope it can give encouragement and motivation to them in any way.

Dear Purple Kimono, do you know, I have always like to watch a family having a meal together, it is a very heartwarming scene isn’t it? Maybe because since I was a child, eating dinner together as a family is a norm and is a value that I treasure a lot till now. No matter what is the situation, sad or happy, we will still sit together and have dinner as a family. And while watching other family sitting and having dinner just now, I came to think of my own family. From 4th August 2017 onwards, my family will be missing my papa in every occassions and every meals we have. And I miss my papa so so much. He has always been our pillar, the strongest pillar I have so far, he was a man by action and not by word. Dear Buddha, please, may you take a good care of our papa for us. πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ» He has worked very hard all his lifetime and we have never feel insecure at all, not even once. He has not only built a safe and strong home for us but also he has helped all his siblings with their financial problems. I know that his biggest wish is for all his children to be a succesful person, not in terms of financial but most important in terms of character. Dear Buddha, you have taken him from us way way too fast. I know they said it was the best for him, he wont feel pain anymore. I do want to believe so. Dear Buddha, I really hope you make the best plan for my Papa there. Please please please, may my Papa live in a better place than he was in here. πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ» Dear Buddha, please also let my papa to not feel any resentment and hatred for all unintentional wrongdoings that we have made before, please let him live in peace and happy. πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»

Papa, I miss you so much. Please forgive me for all my silliness, foolish act and words that may have unintentionally hurt you deeply. Please let me be your precious daughter forever. “

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– Strength grows in the moments when you think you can not go on but you keep going anyway. –

πŸŒΈπŸŒΌβ€οΈπŸ–€,

A grown up daughter who will always be my papa little pampered daughter πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡

Having a relationship with yourself

June 26, 2016

This is a thought that come through me over a sunday dinner with myself.

Do you ever wonder how to work out the best relationship with everyone?

I have a complete family that I know I will always be proud of them, I have a bunch of friends who will ask me out occassionally n share their stories with me, I have an occupation with fair pay, but when I feeling down and the need to share problem I can’t seem to find anyone who will care to ask me how I am doing, what is bordering me, or who have let me down.

So I wonder, will there be a person out there who will truly cares of someone. I really really would like to meet a true relationship either family, friends or couples who truly cherish, respect and care for each other. If only I could do this to my relationship. I thought I have tried my best to be neutral and as positive as possible towards all my relationship. However, I guess these feeling never reach those people as I realised I may have been taken for granted. All I want is to have a peaceful and true relationship where evryone can speaks out their mind and the other party shall understand and do not mind the ugly truth. Everyone is not perfect, so am I. I have tried my best to understand everyone, and I am not a saint, I do have weaknesses and bad characters. Sometimes my help may not be sincere, my words may like a swords, my attitude may be arrogant and childish. But there are times I really sincerely help, listen, thoughtfully giving opinions, congratulate for happy occassions and feeling bad with serious issues. And really, all I want is for everyone to have a peaceful relationship with each other, no bad feeling nor bad comments for each other. Well, surely there are imperfection, and if one does not agrees or dislike other attitude, one shall be able to freely speaks out and both shall let the matters clear with no hard feeling or disrepectful with each other. If the relationship worth the fight, both shall accept and understand each other weaknesses and shortcomings as both understand no one is perfect. This is my definition of true relationship. True relationship is not where one keep giving in and the other keep pushing and demanding an understanding from the other. True relationship is not where one has been taken for granted. True relationship is not where one can not freely speaks their mind out without feeling bad for the other. True relationship is not where one keep forgiving and the other keep doing the same mistake. True relationship is about cherishing, respecting and accepting each other strenghts and weaknesses.

Again, where in this world can I find this kind of relationship? Is this even realistic? In movies and stories we saw and heard, this bond appears in relationship between a mother and her children. I think of my mother who has 5 children, I know she does loves us with all her heart as I know she will be the one who worries the most with her children life and awake in the middle of the night worrying and disspointing with her children weaknesses. However, I also know she can not really accept and respect all her children shortcomings and we as children do not really cherish and respect her love. This creates gap between my mother and us.

So I thought maybe the most true relationship shall be with ourselves, aren’t they? But I know there are plenty of times where I disrespect myself and unable to accept my own weaknesses. Since I can not have true relationship with myself how can I find a true relationship with others, right?

The key to a true relationship shall have a mutual respect and understanding of each other. Unconditional love may not happen all the time in a true relationship but once this happen it will create a strong true relationship. The key is that respect, care, understand and having equal status is essential in all relationship. Everyone shall equally have the right to speak out, to feel angry, to feel disspointed.

I will try from now on to speak out my mind clearly and not to keep trying to understand others quitely.

Have a good night and stay positive~~

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Some Friday Thoughts

June 10, 2016

Thinking of you on my way to work this morning! Surprise? πŸ™‚

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Think positive and everything you do is right

I am gonna remind myself that I am grateful for living this simple humble life granted by God. I am grateful for having a good health, good five senses and peaceful mind to do these daily stuffs. I am grateful for having family who cares and speaks right to the point, it does hurts as what ugly truth always be. I am grateful for being able to do things that I have always been wanting to do. I am grateful for being able to have the time and money to travel with my family and friends. I am grateful for having work in a company which gives me chance to improve myself and do things that I want to do like learn driving, travel, gym, hang out with friends, current activities are muay thai and pole dance. And I am grateful to have friends accompany me doing all these stuffs.

Gonna have this positive feeling till end of the day and remind myself that I ever have this positive feeling everytime when I come back here feelong down.

Let gratituity brings out the best in me. 😊

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gratitude-quotes

The turtle in a nutshell

May 27, 2016

Once I read in a book that man will have tendency to hide themselves in a cave. When they do so, we shall understand and wait for them to come out by themselves. I am a woman but I find that I quite often or may have always been hiding myself in my own cave. True enough, my close friends once told me to open up but guess I am too comfortable and too long in here such that I can not find the way to walk out from this cave by myself. So the only thing I can do now is to wait, waiting till there is someone realise that I have been hiding and willing to come in to take me out from here and also to pray hard, praying there will be lights paving my way out.

I know to wait means giving up for most people. But for me, to wait means fighting to live this life.

Thought of the moment:

“Some people may never realise that they are living in a nutshell and so they living their life as it is. Some people realise they are living in a nutshell and fight hard to break the shell, those people successfully break through their own shell and so living their life as they want it to be, those people who keep fighting hard but not succeed and so let life lived them. Some people realise they are living in a nutshell yet accept it willingly, and so they living their life in peace.”

So I have choose to wait, to not let life lived me but to live my life in peace. I believe wholeheartedly that my prayers will give the answer someday, somehow.

Life is not about a choice of what kind of people who want yourself to be or of how you want the circumstances to be but rather about believing in the life itself and yourself, eventually. Don’t you agree?

Let yourself live this life in peace and let the peace lead you to a better you.

The turtle who knows it lives in a nutshell and live in peace ~

A Tale from West Africa
Turtles used to live on the land, they say, until the time a clever turtle was caught by some hunters. They brought him to their village and placed the turtle before the Chief, who said, “How shall we cook him?”
“You’ll have to kill me first,” said the turtle, “and take me out of this shell.”
“We’ll break your shell with sticks,” they said.
“That’ll never work,” said the turtle, “Why don’t you throw me in the water and drown me?!”
“Excellent idea,” said the Chief. They took the turtle to the river and threw him into the water to drown him.
They were congratulating themselves on their success in drowning the turtle, when two little green eyes poked up in the water and the laughing turtle said, “Don’t get those cooking pots out too fast, foolish people! As he swam away he said, “I think I’ll spend most of my time from now on, safely in the water.”
It has been that way ever since!

How do you want to live your life?

June 15, 2015

I just realised that it was such a pleasure to read my own blog back. How can I have written my own mind and feeling in such a detail and real? I have coming back here as I having the same feeling again.. not sure what and why but the feeling of “boredom”, i guess it is this, struck me hard now. And as I thinking of how to change this, you know what, I found the answer in one of the blog I written before. Those sentences hit me back real hard. ~ Change does not necessary lead to good thing, sudden change or unplanned change will just bring you back to square! How true it is! Unless you have a clear picture of the changes, be the best and get the best out of these whole current situation! The changes may just come by itself.

So everyone want to live a happy life, but how do you want to live a happy life?? What is a happy life? Is it a life that makes you happy or is it you being happy in living your life?

be-LOVE-

Remember, accepting yourself fully is the first step in living a happy life. When you fully accept your feeling, thinking, doing, you will realise that you worth living and this realisation will lead to understanding of yourself, of why you do this and why you dont do that. You will happy cause you understand and accept the actions, whatever they are and no matter how people judge them cause you believe in what you do will only bring good cause you know you are happy.

I know it is still very hard for me to accept and to believe in myself. At least, I will try okay and I hope those sentences will remind me in time when I need. πŸ™‚

So, it is you who choose the way how you shall live your life. If you choose happiness then create one, if you cant find one. You know you worth it. 😊😊

Be your own guardian at all times. At least you got yourself even if you cant find anyone who truly loves you. So loves yourself more as you will need the strength coming out from yourself a lot! 😁

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Please be reminded…

Yourself who loves you always,

thatpurplekimono~~

Today I am disappointed

April 14, 2015

I disappointed with people. Suddenly said that his thing is very urgent need to rush. Documents sent in immediately. Keep insisting need to finish fast. Wasted 1 and half hr of discussion. Again and again. Those people. Worse part is, I am rushing my boss because of this then now I have to let her know that it is not needed anymore. Worst part of all, I am the one asking about the documents that he promised to give and he then informed me that I no longer need to do the work!!! Bullshit!!!! Bullshit!!!! Of course I said is okay if not, do you expect to tell this story and that I have started the work! Disappointed! Then there is no particular reason somemore! So how shall I tell my boss!! Shit!!! Haisss

At the end of the day..it always come back to this feeling..always..It always disappointed in people but more disappointed in myself to not able to change and not realise own weakness!

If I know I have weakness why can’t I change?? Too many too many..

At the end of the day, it will always come back to me myself and I!

~thatpurplekimono

Have I done my best?

April 4, 2015
Look at this and remember how dreamy you are! Work yourself out if this dreamy stuff

Look at this and remember how dreamy you are! Work yourself out of this dreamy stuff

Just read a life story of a self-made woman, who claimed that she will do her best even if she were to work in a big company because live life once is enough. This has made me think, has I done my best? Β I keep dreaming of living a life where I can travel to anywhere, having a happy family and money will not be our problem. And I keep asking how do I do it how do I get it? But what have I done so far for me to enjoy all those stuffs? Ohh to add, I also keep dreaming of having a small business.. so full of dreamsss!!

What have i done so far?? Still working in a small firm with staff less than 20, afraid to go to bigger company because afraid of the stress.. Too comfort with current situation, always hangout with the same people, afraid to meet new guy because afraid of rejection. All in all, I realised I have done nothing to claim the kind of life I have always wanted!!!!

So, now you have realised, what shall you do then????

Pls stop blaming yourself but get your butt out of this ok!! Pls believe that you can do it and put your best effort in everything you do! So what if it is a small firm,you shall excel here and unless you find the word success pls dont ever think of changing! You are here so you can have time to do other things, find that other things and at the same do your best on your work!! You believe you can do it then you can do it!! So what if you always hangout with the same people, be your best and treat them the way you want to be treated and see what you will get in the end! If you can not find new guy new environment, work the best out of you to get the best out of all the current situation! Changes is not always the answer to everything, if you never accept and work the changes out, sudden changes you made will just get you back to square!!

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People walks in and out of your life, only those that really care will stay no matter how hard life is.

Love,

thatpurplekimono~

A sudden urge to write

March 29, 2015

I am not sure what to write specifically though..

Just completed a 20 eps korean drama in less than 2 days hehehe, it was a cinderella story drama.. it was such a pleasure to watch this kind of drama, although i have to come back to reality at the end of the eps. Not sure whether it is actually a good thing that i fully aware that those pretty wonderful love story as played in the drama is not real. Is it good to actually believe in those kind of stuffs? Will I ever know the answer? I believe love do exist and doesn’t everyone lives because of the existence of love?

Memories and childhood experiences do really shape the lives and charater of a person, don’t they?

Come to think of it, I can not really remember my childhood memories in detail..hahaha. This should be common right?

This post is really a random post with no topic at all.. Those are the things that were in my mind though, sometimes I have just think far too many weird stuff. Tonight, i have just tried to write some of them down. πŸ™‚

Love,

thatpurplekimono ~

I Did It! ^^

March 25, 2015

Thanks God, i passed my test drive finally. πŸ™‚

Very happy that i eventually get the license that i’ve always wanted. Hehehe..

Well the question now is “what’s next??” Buying a car or not? Hahaha..will leave this question open for awhile.

However, on 23rd March 2015, the day I got my driving license, it was a sad day for Singapore as it was the day the nation lost their father, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. As a foreigner living in Singapore, I just learned that Mr LKY was a big contributor to today’s living standard, economics and politics of Singapore. Believe that’s why he was known as the nation founding father.

May you rest in peace, Mr LKY. I believe your life contribution to Singapore will always be remembered and will be pass down from one generation to another.

Singapore is a very lucky country to have you as their loyal citizen and prime minister. Wish we have one back in Indonesia as well. πŸ™‚

Love,

thatpurplekimono~