A note to self: It is okay.

Dear Purple Kimono,

I am back here, feeling lonely somehow. Something inside me unexplained. Haven’t I told you that I am in a relationship now? But.. a long distance relationship. A kind of relationship that I have never think of before. Not even in my dream. But somehow it happens.

This is my first and hopefully my last relationship as well. We first met on my sister’s wedding 4 years back and got into contact again last year. I don’t know why I often feel insecure; when he suddenly change his texting frequency, not informing his location or his activity. I will keep reminding myself that “It is okay”. Do not overthink. Is this what they say insecurity or is this loneliness? Deep inside my heart, I know he is a good man. Does he really really love me? Do I really really love him? I admit I do care for him otherwise I will not feel insecure right? And maybe what I scared the most is that I may just love him more than I love myself or more than his love to me. I really hope that we can be truly care for each other more than we care for anyone else. I don’t know why I just keep feeling insecure and would expect everything more from him, like spending more time calling me than meeting with his colleagues or friends, showing his affection more by action than words, caring for myself more than he care for anyone else. I am not being rational here, am I?

I know we still have a long way to go and no matter whay may happens,  hopefully we can walk through them together and bring us closer and understand each other better. There are times that I really want to spend time together with him or see couple laughing and talking to each other will make this distance seems far. But we satisfy ourselves just by talking over the phone, texting and video calling. And keep reminding myself that “It is okay”.

I am really grateful for him making his decision to make the first step and effort to know me and make this relationship possible. I am really grateful for him staying by my side these few months and through my hardest time together. I am really grateful for him to be able to speak my unspoken mind, I have not told him before that sometimes he says and does what my mind says and think. I am grateful for all these.

– May our care, respect and thoughts for each other brings us closer and through the rest of our lives. –

With Love 💕💕,

Bii Mee


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